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Another breakfast with Billy Wayne and Joe Eddy
The dog days of summer are shortening. August is waning. September is looming. And Lucille the Waitress is humming “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” while refueling cups for Billy Wayne and Joe Eddy.”
Joe Eddy says, “Neither of you is on LinkedIn, right?”
Billy Wayne furrows his brow.
“What’s it, one of them online dating sites everyone is getting married offa these days?”
Lucille the Waitress, “I swear, Billy Wayne. You really ought to spend less time around pesticides. They’re eating your brain.”
“You’ll get no argument from me on that. But I hafta have it partially eaten to communicate with my chosen company properly.”
Joe Eddy, “Well, I am on LinkedIn, and sometimes, like when I am waiting on you to show up for breakfast…”
“I’m never late. It ain’t my fault you arrive a half-hour early to every function.”
“Like I say, when I am waiting on you to show, or I have a few minutes to kill, like say at the doctor’s office. And by the way, why does Doc Hostetler make appointments for a half-hour before he intends to see a patient? I think it borders on rude to assume we got nothing better to do than sit in those chairs he stole from a prison camp, waiting on him to get around to us.”
“He’s a fine sawbones, Doc Hoss. He discovered a bad mole before I knew I had one at all, since it was on my back and I never see back there.”
“That isn’t the point…”
Lucille the Waitress, “My faith in the idea that there is a point is waning. Get to it, Joe Eddy, while I am young and pretty.”
“The point is I sometimes scroll LinkedIn, which is not a dating site at all but is a social media platform for people to connect professionally.”
“Dear God,” sighs Billy Wayne. “They got more platforms than Dr. Carter’s got little Liver pills.”
Lucille the Waitress, “Talking to you is like eavesdropping on a 100 years ago, Billy Wayne. Next, you will mention Shinola.”
Billy Wayne grins.
“OK, so business types go on this Link thing and do what?”
“They try real hard to convince themselves and everyone else they are not full of the stuff you don’t know from Shinola. It’s all polished and pretty—business-speak. Everybody on there is ‘locked in,’ ‘fully committed,’ ‘team-oriented,’ ‘purpose-driven,’ and ‘highly motivated.’”
“Sounds like the very people I am glad I am not dating,” Billy Wayne says wryly. “They were right not to make it a dating site.”
“The only thing I can think of worse than if they are all lying is if they are telling the truth,” says Joe Eddy. “Can you imagine being around that person after dark?”
Lucille the Waitress laughs.
“I think I have been with one or two of them after dark, and you are right. Unimaginable.”
Joe Eddy opens the app and shows his friends the timeline.
“You can see every post is pretty much the same.”
“Here’s one that starts, ‘Today I had the opportunity to…’ and here’s one right below it that begins, ‘Yesterday, I was privileged to…’ Then here’s one that says, ‘I am thankful for…’ and here’s another that says, ‘I was honored to be asked to…’”
“Wow! Spine-tingling,” giggles Lucille the Waitress.
“Irritatin’,” grumbles Billy Wayne. “I wish any of ‘em was honored to slop my hogs or haul my hay or had the privilege to plow my fields.”
“The thing that is the most common thread is that every one of those was accompanied by a photo of the person making the post to prove they were there and did what they said or were as grateful and honored and thrilled as they claimed. And that’s another thing. No one is as thrilled anywhere else in the world as everyone on LinkedIn is. They are all so goddang thrilled.”
“You are clearly annoyed, Joe Eddy. Another cup will be one too many. You need no further amping,” says Lucille the Waitress.
Joe Eddy agrees and adds…
“LinkedIn is one big humble brag. Yes, I find it annoying. I don’t think there is any way these people talk the same way anywhere else, including the places they claim to have been thrilled to go.”
“Well,” nods Lucille the Waitress, a thoughtful look on her lipstick and eye shadow, “Preacher Wright did say last Sunday that the worst kind of pride is false humility.”
“I remember him saying it,” answers Billy Wayne. “He also said—which I thought was worth remembering—that false humility is 100% false, 0% humility.”
“Well, that settles it,” says Lucille the Waitress, and her eyes twinkle. “Whose turn is it to pay? I have other customers I am honored to serve.”
Billy Wayne points at Joe Eddy.
“He’s the big-timer on LinkThing.”
“I will be thrilled to pay it,” grins Joe Eddy.
Author’s Note
Billy Wayne and Joe Eddy are characters inspired by two men I saw one morning while having coffee with my grandfather. Billy Wayne is a tall, rugged Texas farmer, and Joe Eddie is a stout, meaty businessman. Lucille the Waitress could easily fit into any roadside diner. Since they are fictional, I reserve the right to put them into any era, but always in the morning over coffee with Lucille attending to them. Here is the first in the series, if you want context.
