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it says so right here
Vulnerability is the hardest thing about living out loud and sharing your journey in its raw, stripped-down reality.
Some will read something I wrote and say, “Well, he’s not who I thought he was!”
Others will read the same thing and think, “I am not alone then!”
Sometimes, I lay down a cuss word and eyes widen and teeth clatter. Other times, I tickle the angels’ feet and hearts flutter like butterflies to the breast of God. I am bitter. Then, I am better. I am vain. Then, I am broken. I am strong. Then, I am weak, weary, and worn. I know the way. I lose my way. I speak my mind. I keep my thoughts to myself. I roar. I weep. I sing. I yearn. I hope. I hope. I hope I never completely lose hope.
With this in mind, I am of a mind (with much caution and trepidation, mind you), to publicly share my private journal entry from this morning. (Not that much of the public ever sees what I write anyway. Heck, I might have a better chance someone stumbles onto my actual journal.)
Here goes. This is the entry without edit and only a little editorial after.
Wednesday, April 30, 2025
This morning I was feeling lost, overwhelmed, and hopeless. So, I did something I have never done before: I prayed and asked God for a sign or a word.
I said, “I’m going to open this Bible on my desk. I don’t know what page it will open to, but I ask that You speak to me there, with the words that my eyes fall on.”
The Bible opened in my hands to 1 Kings 8, where the Ark of the Lord is brought to Solomon’s temple, which is newly built. My eyes fell to verse 17. I read there.
My blood ran cold.
It reads, “Then Solomon said, ‘My father, David, wanted to build this temple to honor the name of the lord, the God of Israel. But the Lord told him, ‘You wanted to build the temple to honor my name. Your intention is good, but you are not the one to do it. One of your sons will build the temple to honor me.'”
I am David! That is my name.
I have always been a little more pragmatic in my walk of faith, not given much to mystical, magical, fairy dust, signs and wonders religion. To put this odd experience into context, however, I will tell you that, lately, I have been looking back on the “might have beens” of my journey, only what I might have been, what I dreamed of doing, what I might still fancy myself built to do.
I am not the one. But…
There is a preacher in Paris whose life I poured into when he was a liberal arts student, a brilliant artist, and working in his father’s business. I left that place in a storm. The clouds didn’t clear for some time. But when they did, this kid was a man..a man of God, guiding the people I had pastored and loved. He has been doing so now for nearly two decades.
I am not the one. But…
I just got off the phone with my brother in spirit, my truest male connection on earth. His name is Keith. When I found him, I was a preacher boy, and he was a lost boy. He was not literally lost. He had a kernel of faith, but it needed to be watered. It needed some sunshine on it. When I packed up my family to move away and complete my seminary education, he packed up his and said, “We’re coming with you.”
When I was in California, 1600 miles on the dot from the front porch of my in-laws’ house, he came flying to my side, to roll up his sleeves and build a church with me. I couldn’t even offer him a salary at the time. He painted houses. He slung 50-pound bags of dog food around a Purina warehouse. He did what he had to do to make ends meet, so he and I could preach, and plan, and dream, and build something great together.
He has been pastoring the same church in West Fort Worth for over 20 years. Thousands have come to Christ because of him.
I am not the one to do that, but…
That does not mean I am not the one to do this. Just because I cannot be everything is no sign I can’t be anything, and no excuse to be nothing.
Hey, you may not be the one.
Despite all the “you deserve” this or that entitlement bullshit that makes you feel like you have been shortchanged because you “deserve” to drive a better car, to live in a bigger house, to make more money, to have a prettier wife or more handsome husband, to have kids who are not ingrates, you have not been cheated.
You are not the one. And you are the only one. You are the right one.
David was not the one to build the temple, but he was the one to kick Goliath’s ass, he was the one to beat back the Philistines, he was the one to lead Israel through the hard years of establishing itself as a recognized entity, and a formidable force in the region. He was the one to write the book of Psalms, for Heaven’s sake, the greatest poetic achievement in the history of literature.
I read, “You are not the one” this morning, and it crushed me. It landed on me like an 800-pound gorilla and pounded on my chest. It took a minute or two…actually, it took me asking that friend I mentioned earlier, Keith Day, my soul’s brother, if I can read it to him. It took me reading the journal entry out loud to him for me to hear God whispering, not in the words, but between the lines…
“You are not the one, but…”
“You are not the one for that. BUT, you are the one for this.”
I like big buts.
I like it when I see God’s “but.”
Man! I gotta get back to that journal. My heart is on fire.
