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How to build a relationship that outlives infatuation and outlasts failure
I recently attended the funeral of a woman whose marriage had lasted 65 years +. She and her husband were so attuned to one another that they often dressed alike and didn’t care what others thought about it.
At the service, her husband, a wonderful and wonderfully unique man said, “I want others to know she belongs to me.”
When she was no longer communicative and at death’s door, her son said in his remarks, that every time she heard her husband’s voice, her heart rate elevated.
Yet, she was a woman who had once dealt with deep, deep depression. She discovered the love story in the Old Testament book of Song of Solomon. She read it repeatedly…and then authored a book about this book of intimacy between lovers and its foreshadowing of how Christ loves His own.
I never thought much about her when she was alive, and I regret that. I missed the opportunity to know someone and something special. The service set me on a path of remembrance. I reflected on our journey–my wife and me.
We were each 18 years old when we married, fresh out of high school, and launching a life together that we had no clue how to live.
Well, we had some clues. We had the examples and inspiration of our parents and others. We had the Bible for our instruction manual. But we were kids raising each other.
We are not kids anymore. We are each sixty-three. We will celebrate 45 years of marriage on June 7 of this year. We have navigated disastrous financial missteps, economic downturns, parenting a child with a severe birth defect, living hand-to-mouth for most of our lives, moral failure (mine, not hers – she’s an angel if any exist among us), repossessions, dispossessions, and my often surly disposition.
We have battled our way through deprivations, privations, and situations. She built wardrobes in thrift shops and dug through sofa cushions for bread money. I kited a check or two to get to Friday. I have dug ditches, delivered pizzas, and driven a taxicab to make ends meet. I carried 18 college credit hours while working 40-hour weeks at Vermillion Walnut Company while she was home in our studio campus apartment, raising a toddler and carrying a baby in her womb. I hocked my 16-gauge shotgun and our wedding rings.
To make matters worse, we were in Missouri.
A few years ago, when I was promoted to Vice President of Operations, a former manager in another field wrote to ask about my “meteoric rise”.
I replied, “Yeah, after over 50 years, I am an overnight success.”
I wanted to say, “Listen, son, you don’t know the journey. I was a pastor at age 23. I was a denominational leader in my 30s. I have preached to thousands, ministered to the needs of the living and the dying, and guided people through every human experience you can name. You happened to meet me after the Fall, after my world imploded, while I was getting up, dusting myself off, and figuring out what came next. I started with little, built something, wrecked it, and started over. What have you been up to besides trying your hardest to get the work title you crave so Daddy will be proud?”
I digress.
Guess who never left my side through all of the carnage and waist-deep crap. Guess who never once said, “I should have chosen someone else.”
Damn skippy. Her.
So, there you have a little (very little) insight into the zig-zag journey from the altar of “I do” to the current “I still do and always will.”
Someone asked me at a conference recently, “What’s the secret?”
“Call it grace or call it luck,” I said. “It starts with making the right choice in a partner.”
I have thought more about that person’s question. As Valentine’s Day slipped by, as I stood in line to buy a custom-built box of See’s Candy for the One, these Ten Commandments for Lovers started forming in my brain.
I am ready to offer these ten commandments for lovers for the reader’s edification, consideration, or disputation. Reader’s choice.
Commandment #1: Bear Ye One Another’s Burdens
There is an interesting coupling in the New Testament epistle, Galatians, chapter six.
In verse two, the Apostle Paul writes, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
In verse five, in the same context, he writes, “for every man (everyone) shall bear his own burden.”
These are taken from the King James Version of the Holy Bible, on which I was raised.
The knee-jerk reaction might be, “OK, Paul, make up your mind! Which is it? Do we each bear the other’s burden or just our own?”
To appreciate what Paul is writing, we refer to the Greek in which he wrote it.
The “burden” in verse two, the one every person must bear, is translated from the Greek word phortion, from which we get “portion.” Paul is saying, “Carry your own weight. Do your part. Don’t neglect your duties.” Some have described it as the gear a soldier must carry into battle. Every soldier must be equipped for battle and carry his load or the whole unit will suffer. In team sports, it is every player filling their role to ensure success.
The “burden” in verse five is from the word baros, which refers to a burden too heavy to bear alone. It means to go to the aid of the one carrying a crushing load.
There are burdens and there are burdens.
Put that into marriage and it works perfectly. You each fill your role, carry your part of the bargain, and pick up one another when the load is too heavy.
In verse two, Paul says, “And so fulfill the Law of Christ.”
What is that? The Law of Christ?
Here it is: A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you also must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.” Gospel of John 13:34, 35
Moses had ten laws to govern human behavior. Jesus added one: love each other.
“Love” can be used as a noun or a verb, but if it is only a noun, it isn’t love at all.
Commandment #2: Keep Ye One Another’s Secrets
There is no more intimate relationship on earth than marriage. You learn everything about each other. When you know everything about anyone, some of it will be unflattering.
We may cover our flaws in public, but they still exist, and you each know better than anyone else the other’s weak spots–better than parents, children, or closest friends.
You know the flaws, the insecurities, the uncertainties, the vulnerabilities of your partner. No one could do them more damage than you. All you do is reveal their secrets and watch the destruction.
Don’t.
Unless those secrets are illegal or vile and will damage others, keep them. Even if the marriage falls apart or you “grow apart,” you were allowed into an inner sanctum, a holy place, a secret chamber of the heart.
That is a responsibility never to be taken lightly.
Commandment #3: Fulfill Ye One Another’s Desires
Selfish love is not love. Selfish lovers are not lovers.
The more prudish tend to avoid Solomon’s Song as much as possible. But it is there, part of the canon of Scripture…
This is Solomon’s song of songs, more wonderful than any other.
Young Woman
2 Kiss me and kiss me again,
for your love is sweeter than wine.3 How pleasing is your fragrance;
your name is like the spreading fragrance of scented oils.
No wonder all the young women love you!4 Take me with you; come, let’s run!
The king has brought me into his bedroom.
Young Women of Jerusalem
How happy we are for you, O king.
We praise your love even more than wine.
Young Woman
How right they are to adore you.
5 I am dark but beautiful,
O women of Jerusalem—
dark as the tents of Kedar,
dark as the curtains of Solomon’s tents.6 Don’t stare at me because I am dark—
the sun has darkened my skin.
My brothers were angry with me;
they forced me to care for their vineyards,
so I couldn’t care for myself—my own vineyard.7 Tell me, my love, where are you leading your flock today?
Where will you rest your sheep at noon?
For why should I wander like a prostitute
among your friends and their flocks?
Young Man
8 If you don’t know, O most beautiful woman,
follow the trail of my flock,
and graze your young goats by the shepherds’ tents.9 You are as exciting, my darling,
as a mare among Pharaoh’s stallions.10 How lovely are your cheeks;
your earrings set them afire!
How lovely is your neck,
enhanced by a string of jewels.11 We will make for you earrings of gold
and beads of silver.
Young Woman
12 The king is lying on his couch,
enchanted by the fragrance of my perfume.13 My lover is like a sachet of myrrh
lying between my breasts.14 He is like a bouquet of sweet henna blossoms
from the vineyards of En-gedi.
Young Man
15 How beautiful you are, my darling,
how beautiful!
Your eyes are like doves.
Young Woman
16 You are so handsome, my love,
pleasing beyond words!
The soft grass is our bed;17 fragrant cedar branches are the beams of our house,
and pleasant-smelling firs are the rafters.Song of Solomon, chapter one
Call it salacious if you want. I call it delicious and exciting.
Attend to your lover’s desires. There is a dramatic difference between having sex and making love.
Commandment #4: Lift Ye One Another’s Spirits
Encouragement is a vital part of a successful marriage.
Have you ever investigated the etymology of the word “encourage”? It means to infuse with courage or to give courage. The Dictionary definition is “to give support, confidence, or hope.”
I believe in you.
If I believe she believes in me, that is like rocket fuel. I am the rocket man.
“So, encourage each other and build each other up.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Commandment #5: Strengthen Ye One Another’s Weaknesses
When we first married, I had a European cut mauve suit and wore it with a western belt and Cowboy boots. She fixed that. She taught me how to dress, how to dress sharply, and how to mix and match without causing collisions.
I was from the country, man, and though I felt erudite, I was a watermelon seed-spitting bumpkin. She cleaned me up.
A few years ago, one of my bosses said to me, “You always look sharp, like you stepped out of a magazine.”
Man, I liked that.
Donya doesn’t dress me anymore. She doesn’t pick my outfits and often isn’t involved in buying them, but I am her disciple. She strengthened a weakness.
That is just one weakness she has strengthened. There are so many.
I asked her what weaknesses I have strengthened for her.
She answered, “I think you have taught me to be more open-minded and definitely stretched my mind and thought processes on many things.”
Every woman’s crazy about a sharp-dressed man!
Commandment #6: Forgive Ye One Another’s Failures
Forgiveness is indispensable to the longevity and health of a marriage because failure is inevitable. We are faulty creatures, and we will fail one another.
If you say, “I will forgive you, but I will never forget,” don’t bother. You are indicating that you intend to dredge up the failure whenever it is convenient or necessary to win an argument.
Forgiveness is not a hammer. Forgiveness is a sponge. Forgiveness absorbs the pain caused by the forgiven. Forgiveness is a debt absorbed. That is a hard, cold, unavoidable fact.
Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13 (Berean Study Bible)
Commandment #7: Seek Ye One Another’s Joy
Nothing feels better than to see the joy in someone you love.
I could have wandered Rome alone in wonder and amazement. But to see her joy as she sampled the culture and gazed upon the beauty of the Eternal City made it a trip I will never forget. I could say the same about California and the mesmerizing drive along Highway One, or the most amazing sunset I ever saw at Carmel-by-the-Sea, or the lighthouses in Maine, or the hot dog at a random joint in the middle of nowhere that became a mouth-watering discovery, or the granite faces on Mount Rushmore, or the spirits of the dead in Deadwood, or the southern majesty of Savannah, or…
Seeing her open a Christmas present she had no clue was coming, and knowing I had nailed it.
This is a glimpse into future joy, which Apostle Peter described as “joy unspeakable and full of glory.” (1 Peter 1:8)
Commandment #8: Have Ye One Another’s Back
My mother taught me this so well. Whenever I found myself in conflict with another, she flew to my defense like a honey badger, ready to rip and tear to shreds any who may think to do me harm.
Whether by blind luck or providence, I found a wife cut from similar cloth. She learned fierce loyalty and readiness to pounce on a threat from her father the way I did from my mom.
We are not just Bogey and Bacall. We are Butch and Sundance with our backs to the wall. Sow the wind; reap the whirlwind, brother. You got us both to deal with.
I have rolled the dice and come up craps so many times. She picks up the dice, places them in my hands, and says, “Seven come Eleven, baby. Roll them bones again.”
She doesn’t literally say that. That isn’t anything like anything she would say. I am talking euphemisms here. I am talking about having your partner’s back no matter what, no matter the opposition, the odds, or the outcome.
Commandment #9: Pat Ye One Another’s Back
I cannot tell you how important an “attaboy” or “attagirl” is in a relationship. I don’t mean some superficial lip service your partner knows is insincere. I mean a real, genuine compliment. I may be running on fumes, but a compliment from her fills the tank right up.
I could preach a sermon to 1,000 people–and I have on many occasions–but I am looking for that one attaboy. A thousand people applauding means less than her beaming smile or pride in me.
If I write something and she finds it powerful and shares it, urging others to read it because she thinks it is great, that is as close to a major publishing deal as I may ever get. Who knows? If it is, it was enough.
Commandment #10: Fly Ye One Another’s Flag
A flag is a standard. A flag stands for something. You see the stars and stripes fluttering in the wind, and you know an idea–and an ideal–is behind it. You know it is bathed in blood and dipped in dreams.
A flag is a rallying point. She leads us into battle, adorns our official buildings and monuments, and drapes the coffins of her loyal defenders.
These are the Ten Commandments for Lovers as I have found them. What say you? Testify!
