We were a fun bunch – boys with wild imaginations and the world for a playground. We played outside and stayed out well after dark most nights. We rode our bikes all over the docile Texas town of approximately 15,000 souls where we ruled the streets from ten-speeds. We feared neither man nor beast…except for the white German Shepherd who lived down the street from my house and, to my chagrin, ran as free as we did.
We laughed, we joked, we pranked. Mostly, we laughed at the youngest kid in our group. His name was Brett and he would do just about anything to be included in our little gang (I use that term loosely ). He was short and stocky and struggled with his R’s when he spoke. We called him Bwett the Bwat Or Little Bwothew.
Sometimes, we formed clubs just so we could get him to go through the initiation process. He laughed at himself right along with us. Boy, it was fun to have Brett around to try out your latest prank ideas or to make the butt of your best jokes.
That is, it was fun until it wasn’t. Robert, The oldest and toughest in our group, and my best friend overheard Brett sobbing in the bathroom and that was that. Robert made it known that he would no longer make Brett the butt of his jokes and he would not tolerate anyone else – friend or foe – doing so, either.
I remember the shame that washed over me that day. I was a bully. I didn’t mean to be. I was just having fun when I was making fun. I mean, he liked it, right? The attention?
Wrong!
It was too late to undo whatever damage was done but not too late to change, to mend our ways, to actually be friends to Brett.
So we did.
In recent years, bullying has become a hot topic, largely due to the rise of Social Media and its immeasurable impact on humanity. I Googled bullied to death and the top result is a Wikipedia page named List of Suicides that have been attributed to bullying. The ages of those listed range from eight to twenty-nine. It is a long list.
We typically associate bullying with school-aged kids and no wonder. At no time in one’s life are we more vulnerable to the ill effects of being ostracized, criticized, vilified, isolated, or targeted. Bullies do not, however, grow out of their propensity for bullying others. They carry it into adulthood, into marriage, parenthood, their neighborhood, and to work.
It is not difficult to spot a bully…unless you are the bully. The most difficult type of evaluation is self-evaluation. We tend to give ourselves an out, the benefit of the doubt. We excuse our behavior because we know we “didn’t mean anything by it.”
How do you know if you are a bully? How do you identify this in yourself?
Seven Signs You Are a Bully
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You seek to control others through intimidation. Whether you use superior physical strength, intellect, or position is immaterial. The result is the same. Your kids cower. Your underlings cringe. Your coworkers scatter. All the while, you mistake intimidation for influence and bullying for leadership.
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When you sense weakness in another, you expose it or exploit it. One kind of bully feeds his ego by favorably comparing himself to the weaker person. The other kind seeks an advantage over the weaker person.
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You dominate the conversation. Dialogue is out the window. The other person’s ideas are unnecessary and of no value.
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You make the weaker person (again, that weakness may be physical, mental, emotional, social) the butt of your jokes. Bullies can always dish it out, especially to those who cannot or will not give it back to them. They can dish it out; they can’t take it in.
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“All eyes on me.” Bullies are often needy and insecure people at their core, though they allege supreme confidence. They need constant validation. They believe they exhibit strength by comparing themselves with people they consider inferior.
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You view those under your influence or your charge as useful rather than valuable. When a bully ceases to see a target as useful, they seek to humiliate, intimidate, or dissociate. They do not value them as fellow humans. They see them as tools. (The bully is the real tool, if you know what I mean.)
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You lack empathy. You never put yourself in the other person’s shoes. You never try to see the interaction from their viewpoint. Why? Because you do not value them. (See number six.)
“OK, so I see myself in some of these descriptions of a bully and I do not like what I see. How do I change that???”
Five Steps to Stop the Bully in You
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You have already taken the first step: Recognition! If you never recognize the bully in you, you will never defeat him. You will just feed him.
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Awareness. Self-awareness is vital to stopping the beast within. Ask three questions:
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“What am I doing?”
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“Why am I doing it?”
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“How does this feel to the other person?”
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Empathy. Empathy is not sympathy. Feeling sorry for the weaker person can become just another form of bullying. Seeing them from the inside out, putting yourself in their place – that is empathy.
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Love. Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” There are two things at work here:
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There is the assumption that you love, accept, and even forgive yourself. Bullies are bullies primarily because of how they see themselves – and it isn’t pretty.
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There is the mandate to extend to others the same grace and love you want for yourself.
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Jesus.
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In everything, then, do to others as you would have them do to you. For this is the essence of the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:21, Berean Study Bible
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If you really fulfill the royal law stated in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well. James 2:8, BSB
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And the King will reply, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.” Matthew 25:40, BSB
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Bullying has been a problem as long as there has been life on earth. The strong prey upon the weak. It doesn’t, however, need to be your problem. You can stop at least one bully and you can do it right now.
Lifting up the downtrodden, cultivating a friendship rather than crushing a spirit that is real strength right there. My friend Robert taught me that a long time ago and I have had to relearn it through the years. You can learn it, too and you will be better for it. I promise.