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Seven signs your are a bully and how to change that right now
We were a fun bunch – boys with wild imaginations and the world for a playground. We played outside and stayed out well after dark most nights. We rode our bikes all over the docile Texas town of approximately 15,000 souls. We feared neither man nor beast…except for the white German Shepherd who lived down the street from my house and, to my chagrin, ran as free as we did.
We laughed, we joked, we pranked. Mostly, we laughed at the youngest kid in our group. His name was Brett and he would do anything to be a part of our little gang (I use that term loosely ). He was short and struggled with his R’s when he spoke. We called him Bwett or Bwat Or Little Bwothew.
Sometimes, we formed clubs to get him to go through the initiation process. He laughed at himself right along with us. Boy, it was fun to have Brett around to try out your latest prank ideas or to make the butt of your best jokes.
That is, it was fun until it wasn’t. The oldest and toughest in our group, and my best friend, Robert, overheard Brett sobbing in the bathroom and that was that. Robert made it known that he would no longer make Brett the butt of his jokes and he would not tolerate anyone else – friend or foe – doing so, either.
I remember the shame that washed over me that day. I was a bully. I didn’t mean to be. I was having fun when I was making fun. He liked it, right? The attention?
Wrong. It was too late to undo whatever damage was done but not too late to mend our ways, to be true friends to Brett.
So we did.
The Consequences of Bullying to the Bullied
We understand today better than ever the extreme toll bullying takes on the bullied – psychologically and physically.
The following is from stopbullying.gov:
Psychological Effects: The psychological effects of bullying include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, self-harming behavior (especially for girls), alcohol and drug use and dependence, aggression, and involvement in violence or crime (especially for boys).
Physical Effects: The physical effects of bullying can be obvious and immediate, such as being injured from a physical attack. However, the ongoing stress and trauma of being bullied can also lead to physical problems over time. A child who is bullied could develop sleep disorders – such as difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep – stomachaches, headaches, heart palpitations, dizziness, bedwetting, and chronic pain and somatization (i.e., a syndrome of distressful, physical symptoms that cannot be explained by a medical cause).
I am not a psychologist. Let’s get that out of the way. I am a student of life and the people living it. These observations result from four decades in leadership roles and from the battle I fight with myself every day to resist the bully mentality.
Seven Signs You Are a Bully
#1 All of your best jokes have butts
Do you often make others the butt of your jokes, either behind their backs or to their face?
I will tell you that this has been a lifelong struggle for me. I was blessed (or cursed) with a quick wit and the ability to carve up someone based on their “funny” flaws. Of all the things I am proud of, this is not one of them.
Making someone the butt of a joke, laughing at another’s expense is an act of bullying any way you slice it. Everyone has a good laugh, you are super cool, and you left an unnecessary scar on a soul. Enjoy!
#2 You are the King of the Jungle
The thing about the noble lion (and other beastly predators) is that they don’t choose the biggest challenge for a kill. They look for the weak, the lost, the left alone, the easy kill.
It’s the same with a bully. Cut a weaker person out of the herd and go for the jugular. Everyone will have a good laugh and what the heck? It’s good for them, right? Toughen them up.
Bully.
Often the picked-on will laugh right along. It hurts too much to cry and who wants to show weakness? Laugh it off.
You can laugh it off. You cannot laugh it away.
The wounds heal. The scars remain.
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#3 You lack empathy
The empathetic can never be happy bullying another soul.
I have seen people define themselves as empaths in a more self-congratulatory fashion. The fact that they do this is a red flag to me.
First, let’s define empath. Here is a good definition from calm.com:
An empath is someone with an exceptional ability to sense the emotions of those around them. It goes beyond empathy, which involves understanding and sharing another person’s feelings. Instead, empaths experience these emotions on a much deeper level, detecting subtle emotional shifts and understanding unspoken feelings.
An empath suffers with the other person. They are uniquely attuned to every nuance. I don’t know how many of them exist. I know I am not one.
That does not mean I cannot be empathetic.
Empathy is a funny word. It sounds so much like “sympathy” and has some similar traits but it is not sympathy. These are not interchangeable words. Sympathy is a feeling of pity or sorrow for someone else. Sympathy is a card or flowers. Sympathy can be sent without requiring too much involvement. Sympathy is almost condescending. Feeling sorry for someone.
Sympathy is a card or flowers. Sympathy can be sent without requiring too much involvement. Sympathy is almost condescending.
Empathy is putting oneself in the other’s shoes. Sympathy is viewing a problem from the outside in. Empathy is experiencing it from the inside out. Empathy is walking that hard mile in another’s shoes.
Bullies are never empathetic. They may on occasion feel bad for someone. After all, you don’t have to be heartless to be a bully. Just clueless.
#4 You demonstrate a narcissistic streak
One of the favorite things to do on social media is to label everyone who gets attention you crave a narcissist. It’s a kettle and pot problem, isn’t it?
I am probably not supposed to admit that I enjoyed the movie Beaches enough to have seen it several times. The friendship between Cecilia “CC” Carol (Bette Midler) and Hillary Whitney (Barbara Hershey) is a powerful, enduring, and endearing force that spans a lifetime. Cecilia is a New York singer whose fame rises and whose need for attention never wanes. She loves Hillary, her friend since childhood, as much as anyone in the world.
The quote I cannot forget comes from the two of them reconnecting (they live on opposite coasts) after a long while. CC is jabbering on and on about her career and then catches herself.
She grins wryly and says, “But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?”
It is a hilarious and sobering moment.
CC was not a narcissist and neither are most of the people you have labeled as such. Take a moment to consider this article from psychologytoday.com:
Narcissism
Narcissists have a prominent place in the popular imagination, and the label “narcissist” is widely deployed to refer to people who appear too full of themselves. There’s also a growing sense that narcissism is on the rise around the world, especially among young people, although most psychological research does not support that notion.
Narcissism is properly viewed on a spectrum. The trait is normally distributed in the population, with most people scoring near the middle, and a few at either extreme. The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), developed by Robert Raskin and Calvin S. Hall in 1979, is the most commonly used measure of the trait. Scores range from 0 to 40, with the average tending to fall in the low to mid-teens. Healthy individuals who score somewhat higher may be perceived as exceedingly charming, especially on the first encounter, but eventually come across as vain. Such individuals may have awkward or stressful personal encounters but still have a fundamentally healthy personality.
As for traits of Narcisissm, the article states:
It’s easy to describe someone who spends a bit too much time talking about her career or who never seems to doubt himself as a narcissist, but the trait is more complicated than that. Narcissism does not necessarily represent a surplus of self-esteem or of insecurity; more accurately, it encompasses a hunger for appreciation or admiration, a desire to be the center of attention, and an expectation of special treatment reflecting perceived higher status. Interestingly, research finds, many highly narcissistic people often readily admit to an awareness that they are more self-centered. A high level of narcissism, not surprisingly, can be damaging in romantic, familial, or professional relationships.
You do not have to be a narcissist to be a bully but bullying is a narcissistic act and trait.
#5 You are easily swayed by peer pressure
Bullies are not always the leader of the pack. Sometimes they are along for the ride. They go along to get along. They nervously laugh while King Bully humiliates a victim.
Take Chuck here for instance”¦
If you are with the bully then you are the bully. Stand up or face facts.
#6 You have no tolerance for disagreement
Bullies win arguments by belittling the one with the opposing view. A different opinion makes the person your target. Rather than arguing the virtues and strength of his opinion, the bully goes ad hominem.
For a definition and examples of ad hominem fallacies in argument, consider this from butte.edu:
An ad hominem fallacy redirects the discussion of an issue to a discussion of one of the subjects””to his or her personal failings, inconsistency, or bias. For example, in a discussion of the pros and cons of privatizing Social Security, it would be an ad hominem attack simply to declare your opponent a parasite feeding on the lifeblood of the working class. Similarly, you would be guilty of an ad hominem attack if you exclaimed, “How can you claim to be a born-again Christian?” (pointing out an inconsistency of position) or “Of course you would say that””you’re a Libertarian!” (pointing out personal bias). None of these response addresses the actual pros and cons of the proposal to privatize Social Security.
Everything is personal when someone questions your authority on a matter. You beat them back and beat them down and think you beat them fair and square…when you’re a bully.
#7 You prefer “yes men”
Bullies do not like to be challenged so they reward those who parrot their opinions and seek their approval. Debates are foregone conclusions. Deliberations are unnecessary window-dressing. The underlings and sycophants ascertain your desires and meet them, they learn your opinions and echo them.
How to stop yourself from bullying
Here are a few tips:
Realize how horrible it is to live as a bully. Bullying has no redeeming value. It harms the bullied and the bully. The bully is discredited and the bullied is devalued. There is long-lasting (perhaps permanent) damage to both.
Personalize the experience of being bullied. Often, the bully has been the bullied in his or her past. Go back to that. Relive that. Do you want to be the person who causes that kind of pain to another? If you do, get help.
Recognize the trait in yourself. Ask for an assessment from the person you most trust to be brutally honest with you (spouse or otherwise).
Sincerely apologize to the person who comes to mind when you think of when you might have acted as a bully or failed to stand up to a bully on their behalf. However long ago it was, never mind. Be specific. Be sincere.
Formalize a plan. Make a concerted effort to be self-aware in your interpersonal interactions, whether at home, school, or the workplace.
Organize your efforts. By this, I mean whatever the organization, however formal or informal, take the lead and state your intentions to recognize every person’s worth and to take advantage of none.
Fraternize with the right kind of people/influences. Separate yourself from the bullies. Don’t keep company with those who corrupt you. Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33, Berean Study Bible.)
My treatment of Brett is one of my deepest and most grievous regrets. I did my best to right the wrong but a deed cannot be undone and a pebble tossed into the water does more than sink to the bottom; it has a ripple effect that troubles water it did not directly impact.
We are free to choose our actions but we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. ~Stephen R. Covey
Here’s to you who refuse to bully and will not stand by while someone is bullied.