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Or, what is one word you hope never to associate with your most important relationship?
Death and Decomposition
I am reading the book American Demon: Eliot Ness and the Hunt for America’s Jack the Ripper by Daniel Stashower. In the 1930s, in a relatively short period, a dozen beheaded and disassembled bodies were discovered around Cleveland, Ohio. Eliot Ness, having conquered Al Capone in Chicago, accepted the position of Safety Director in Cleveland. The Torso Murders, as they became known, fell to Ness to solve.
The bodies were discovered in various states of decomposition.
Decomposition. Decomposed.
These words have been on repeat in my mind for days.
I have this book The Word Finder, given to me by my son-in-law and daughter some time ago, for Christmas 2023, if I recall. The gist of the book is not to offer definitions of words but to give common modifiers for words, to emphasize the various ways they are used.
The Decomposing Relationship
In my journal around that time, I recorded opening the book and finding the word “decomposition.” The modifiers I jotted down were these:
Chemical
Spontaneous
Painful
Tedious
Rapid
Erosive
Timely
“Timely” was the oddest one to me but I felt the weight of each descriptor. At the time, I was thinking especially about the relationship between marital partners.
I read an interesting article on divorce in America in Forbes Magazine. Here is a snippet from it:
Most people have heard that half of all marriages end in divorce, but is there more to the story? These divorce statistics shed more light on when and how marriages come to an end in the United States. Read on to find out the truth about who is dissolving their marriages.
In 2022, a total of 673,989 divorces and annulments occurred across the 45 U.S. states that report this statistics.[1] During that same year, 2,065,905 marriages occurred, making the U.S. marriage rate 6.2 per 1,000 people.[1]
Far more people get married over the course of each year than get divorced. These divorce statistics show what happens to marriages that end and when and how couples decide to end them.
So, what about the famous statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce? That’s a bit of an exaggeration when it comes to first marriages, only 43% of which are dissolved.[2] Second and third marriages actually fail at a far higher rate, though, with 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce.[3]
43% of first marriages failing is supposed to be good news? I don’t see it. That statistic denotes an unhealthy (toxic?) society and/or environment. Why do more than four of ten marriages fail?
What is with the decomposition of marriage?
If composition means putting something together (we most frequently use the word in terms of music, but it is bigger than that), then decomposition is the process of a thing falling apart, or decaying. So, 4.3 out of every 10 marriages in the United States are in some state of decomposition at this very moment.
Let’s go back to our decomposition descriptors and apply them to marriage – or a love relationship (which is becoming a love/hate relationship):
“Chemical decomposition” – Chemistry is vital to any relationship, whether you are talking about marriage, sports, business, you name it”¦ For example, a baseball pitcher and catcher must be on the same page to enjoy success. When a pitcher crosses up his catcher, or vice versa, it is a disaster. In basketball, Luka Doncic may deliver a pinpoint alley-oop pass but with no one to slam it home, it is useless. Same with Tom Brady throwing a football. Same with business. The most successful business partnership in American history was between Charles Munger and Warren Buffet, whose chemistry was off the charts. In each of these, there is composition, an elegance of movement. Same with a successful marriage. Chemistry matters. It may be organic but must be developed, refined, and maintained.
“Spontaneous decomposition” – I am not sure how much I believe in this. By definition, decomposition takes time. My brother-in-law, however, may disagree. He has a pet cremation business. If the heat is turned up high enough, decomposition takes mere minutes and all that is left are ashes. For this to happen in marriage, a fire must be introduced, and the most common fire is infidelity.
“Painful decomposition” – We suppose most decomposing things are already dead. The truth is that we begin to physically decompose almost from birth. First, we develop – strength, balance, personality, mental acuity, etc. Then, we start falling apart and it is painful. Just ask Joe Biden. I doubt he would understand the question but it is painful for those watching it happen. Or ask someone with a trick knee or bad back. The decomposition of a marriage is also painful, which is why 43% of those involved choose dissolution.
“Tedious decomposition” – The idea here is that someone is working on it. Someone is putting effort into the molecular destruction of the thing in question. A famous pastor once told the story of a deacon who told him he wanted to divorce his wife because he did not love her anymore. The pastor asked him who he loved now. He said no one. It only took a few months for the truth to come out. There was an effort from that unnamed source to destroy the marriage.
“Rapid decomposition” – Some organisms fall apart quickly. A marriage may be so disastrous that it is annulled or abandoned within months or a couple of years of its commencement. That is a marriage that had no business being. Love is a composition that takes time, chemistry, and effort. Rushing it may result in rapid decomposition.
“Erosive Decomposition” – Erosion takes place in the elements. Wind and water will wear away even the mightiest of stones and mountains. Time and elements take a toll. I heard a joke. Husband says to his wife on their 50th anniversary, “After 50 years of marriage, I have found you tried and true.” Wife, hard of hearing, replies, “After 50 years of marriage, I am tired of you, too.”
“Timely decomposition” – In rare cases where abuse or neglect defines the relationship, decomposition may feel like it “is about time” when it finally happens. I have a couple of aunts who know that feeling. They committed everything to the men who abused everything they gave to the marriage. Their commitment kept them in there until it could not anymore. The death of the thing, the decomposition, happened just in time to give them another chance at happiness, which they each seized.
In my word book, there are also verbs to put with “Decomposition.” Let these lean on you for a minute and see if you do not grasp them in the context of love and marriage:
crumble into
fall into
incur
Lapse into
prevent
produce
resolve into
result in
slide into
suffer
threaten with
to name a few.
How to avoid marital decomposition
Since marriage is God’s idea and a biblical thing, it makes sense to use the guidelines and guidewires given by Him therein as guideposts for marital life.
The Bible paints marriage as
Exclusive (Genesis 2:23,24)
Equal but Separate (Colossians 3:18) – even as each member of the Godhead has His role, but is equal to the other
Permanent (Matthew 19:4-6) – I promise you this: if you go in with a plan for failure, you are planning to fail. If you are not committed to “death do us part,” you will never get that far before the decomposition begins
Mutually beneficial (Ecclesiastes 4:9,10) – Jack Johnson sang “Better Together” in the early 2000s. That is what marriage is meant to be – better, stronger, more secure, more rewarding, more comforting together.
There’s no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoe box of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together
Mmm, it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, we’ll look at the stars when we’re together
Well, it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, it’s always better when we’re togetherBetter Together, Jack Johnson
Here’s to the life of your love and the love of your life.